My Shaky Achey Heart

I have been writing about my experiences in Africa.  I haven't posted but one of them here (Hot Under the Collar), but I have been writing about them.  It helps me process!  Some of you have read the little devotion book I wrote called "Villa in the Hilla" (published in 2009 by the prestigious publisher Xerox Laser Copier) but there are probably twice as many more excerpts I want to write before I turn the proverbial last page and shut that book.  I know I'll never shut that chapter of my life, the stories just keep coming to my mind.  I'll lie in bed at night and then an idea will come and I'll have to roll over to reach my bedside table (aka upside down Rubbermaid tub covered with a shawl that is pretending to be a table cloth) and rummage for a pen and scrap of paper to write it down so I won't forget the next morning.

I have a list of all the things I want to write about when I get the chance.  Just little shorties about this and that: lessons I learned, things I thought, amazing people that I met.  I am an idea factory.  But I need to actually sit and write them out.  So two days ago I searched out an old journal.  It is green (my favorite color), leather, worn and crumbly.  There are a few notes from a sermon in the front, and about three pages of English/Arabic vocabulary words written in the back, I must have used this notebook for language learning in the past. The the pages in-between are journal entries. The first entry is July 31, 2009.  But I am looking for a specific entry.  Just before we left our home in Africa, I shared with a group of over 100 colleagues and friends.  I shared verses and I shared how the Lord had led us to this point of moving away from Africa.  I find that entry over on September 26, 2009.  I read over the entry, gathering information for a little tidbit that I wanted to write.  In my list of "Things to Write About," this one is listed as "leaving testimony," and it's what I was planning to write about.  I read over the entry, I read about the people who had become so dear to us, and all the feelings of that evening that we said goodbye come flooding back to me.  My heart beats faster and my hands feel shaky.  I read the verses handwritten in my journal.  They are precious, but that journal entry represents feelings that are still too strong within me.  I can't write about it yet.  Even though it was over two years ago, the emotions are still too raw.  I close my journal.  I'll have to write about something funny, or something more recent.  This subject is still in a place of my heart that is between me and the Lord.  But I'll tell you what, Scripture can always be shared!  Here are the verses I wrote in that entry that made my heart all shakey achey.  I hope they will bless your heart as they do mine!

Jeremiah 10:23  I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.

Psalm 31:14-15  But I trust in you, O Lord; I say "You are my God."  My times are in your hands.

Psalm 32:8  "I will instruct you," says the Lord, "and guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I will advise you and watch your progress."

Psalm 33:10-11  The Lord foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.  But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.

2 Corinthians 4:1  Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.