An Open Letter to the Wall Lizards in My House

Dear Cicaks (wall lizards) in My House:

I don't see you around a lot, but I know you are here. By the amount of poop you leave on the floor, you either have huge parties at night while we are sleeping, or you have serious digestive issues. Either way, I'd like to bring up a few problems that I see with our living arrangement.

You have never offered to pay rent and that is OK with me. I've never asked you to. But I feel it is very reasonable to ask for you to earn your keep. When I see mosquitoes in the house it is proof to me that you are not doing your job. If you want to hang out on our walls, please eat our mosquitoes.

Secondly, I would like to discuss your toilet habits. Poop stuck on the wall leaves stains. Please don't do that any more. Please find a location outside to do your business. I know you go outside at some point. I know this because there are more and more cicaks coming to live in our house. So you either leave the house at some point, or you are sneaking on my computer and tweeting my address to wall lizards everywhere.

And finally, I don't know what sorts of parties you are having at night, but when I find a tipsy cicak in the morning who can't even stick to the wall and falls splat on the floor in front of me...well, frankly it startles me and grosses me out simultaneously. It is just such an incident that has prompted me to write you this letter.

So, dear cicaks who live in my house: please...eat more, poop outside, and please please quit falling splat on the floor.

Sincerely,
The Folks Who Provide the Many White Walls You Live On